Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
