When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
