I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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