I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
