I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
