remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
