now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
