Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
