When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
