So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
