They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
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