think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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