she looked like the before picture.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
