she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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