What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
