even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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