i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
