I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
