life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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