dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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