Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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