I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
