I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
