My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
