Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?