Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Can I color on your dick again?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?