I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
