my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
