She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she peed on how many people?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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