Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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