its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
