I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
