You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
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4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
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I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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