Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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