If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Will exercising make me less horny?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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