I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
