took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
