I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
