so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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