Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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