My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
