i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
