Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
