just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
