That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you traded sex for a burrito?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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