And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
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