they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
