does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
