Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
