I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
