Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
