she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
