I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
