it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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