I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
