How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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