Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
