I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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