i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
