if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
