come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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